Quick tip: if we get angry/upset...

In spite of our best intentions, sometimes other people land on or push our buttons and our brain reacts. I am sure you have heard about the FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE responses (some add two more: FAWN, which is a placating mode through trying to please the other, and FIX).

One simple and quick trick (if we remember) is to try to shrink the other person in our imagination. See that person as if they were getting further and further away, smaller and smaller. That will usually trick our brain into believing that the perceived threat is over, and our nervous system will relax enough for us to access better resources.

(I posted the above trick on 07/10/2022. Here is an update)

I believe that emotions are messengers and they will probably continue nudging us until we acknowledge the message. Sometimes the message may be physiological (our liver may not be working properly, we may have eaten too many carbs, we may be hungry, we may have overeaten, or we may be physically exhausted).

Sometimes the message may alert us to some unresolved past traumatic experience.

In my own experience, I tend to get angry/furious when somebody has gone over a boundary I didn't even know I had, so eventually, I get to learn about the location of the boundary or its need for strengthening. I also notice that I get angry when I feel disappointed. When I was expecting something (perhaps because we had agreed on it) and it didn't happen. The lesson for me in that case is to make agreements clearer, maybe even including some consequences for breaches.

Do I ever get angry? Yes! Many times! Do I always manage it well? No way. However, if on top of getting angry I am angry/disappointed with myself because I lost it again, I know it gets more difficult for me to learn from this and change.

Somebody pointed to a video by Thich Nath Hanh on dealing with anger and I found one with a precious image to help me be more compassionate with myself when anger arises: I was brought up in a family were raging was normal and frequent. Grandad would punch the dining-room table and inflict terror in me when he was angry. I love my late father dearly, but you didn't want to upset him, either. His rage knew no bounds. To use Thich Nath Hanh's metaphor, I grew up in an environment were the seeds of anger were watered regularly, so I need to be aware of that, learn new ways, and water other seeds, such as compassion, joy, awareness.

I'd love to read your comments on this.