Resilient Loving

  What I find helpful (when I remember), is to imagine that the person who is seemingly blaming or criticising is like a pressure cooker, that has reached boiling point and has to let the steam out or else it will explode. I haven’t met anybody yet that would feel blamed or criticised by the steam that is coming out of the pressure cooker. It is a good thing that the valve is working properly and letting the steam out. If it wasn’t working properly, the results would be messy and dangerous. The steam is alerting us of the heat and pressure inside the cooker. It is an innocent messenger. In a similar manner, if we feel like saying (or if we blurt out) words that amount to blame or criticism, those words are letting us and others know that there is an unmet need or that we have betrayed ourselves and gone beyond our values or boundaries or simply that we have reached boiling point emotionally! If we are at the receiving end, our partners may be unable to identify ‘what is cooking’ inside

In Resilient Loving - A practical compass for partners of people on the autism spectrum, we explore different themes such as our needs, values, self-limiting beliefs, strengths, and expectations. Many other themes are helpful wh en it comes to a relationship with somebody on the autism spectrum, for instance: LOVE: Reflections on what needs to happen for me to feel loved? (not just in romantic relationships. It can be with pets, friends, etc.) How do I express love? How do I block the flow of love? Do I ever withhold love? PAIN: How do I relate to pain? Do I relate to all pain in the same way (physical, psychological, relational, etc.)? FORGIVENESS: How easy is it for me to forgive (myself and others)? Do I need something to happen in order to forgive? LIFE: What is life for me? Does it feel supportive or antagonistic?  If you are a member of the private forum, it would be great to explore these questions and to post more there.  CYCLES:  Do I notice any cycles in my relationship to my