Resilient Loving

Many partners and spouses don't even want to contemplate the possibility of being autistic.  One way to work around that, which offers us a common language without using any terms related to autism and neurodiversity, may be to take a fun personality test such as the free one at  https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test Your partner may accept that they are a "Logician" or a "Debater" much more readily.  The test may also give you an idea of how much or how little self-awareness your partner has. If you do yours in your partner's presence, it may give you a chance to compare different perceptions. I did my test in January this year. According to the test, I am a Turbulent Adventurer . Monotonous, rigid routine? Not for me!!! I like the 16 personalities site because they send me emails taylored to my type every now and then (not too many, thank God!). I find them useful, too. For the record, I have no affiliation whatsoever with the 16 personalit

Each person is different, but it also seems that there are different profiles of autism, such as PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), a name that doesn't seem to describe it fully. I have recently researched PDA for personal reasons, which you will discover if you watch a video I have created on this topic (at https://youtu.be/il8D9LYp9TA ). The PDF with the presentation on which the video is based can be found at https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jAW8MBsv1gxfrbaJYqrGjly0AB5IIbuZ/view?usp=drive_link There is a second video on the stages of PDA meltdowns, what to do and how to help when our partner has high anxiety. The second video is at https://youtu.be/Mbi6IIiUIbA and the PDF I have used is at https://drive.google.com/file/d/1S5_dHt3ujovPXVeX8OfFwjLnOuWd17so/view?usp=drive_link  

Although each person is different and our partners may be quite able in many areas of their lives, every now and then we may need a reminder about the kinds of struggles our partners may face on a daily basis. The list below is long and by no means exhaustive. If at any point you feel overwhelmed and  need a fun break, search online for “neurotypical disorder” and/or “allism spectrum disorder” to get a glimpse of how some autistic people might view non-autistic people 😀. Autistic people in general tend to: Exhibit "challenging" behaviours because they are triggered by things that have just happened (like unexpectad changes/delays in their routine or disappointments, interrupting their favourite activity, a noisy or brightly-lit environment, lack of desired attention, whether their favourite person is present or not, lack of structure, threats to self-esteem, etc.) or as a consequence of a longer-term event (such as when they haven’t slept or eaten properly or the family is

Imagine that you are struggling to stay calm; to control your impulses and to stop doing something, if needed; to do something because it is necessary, even if you don’t want to; to recognize how you’re are feeling; or to match emotions to events. There may come a point when the inner pressure would be too intense and you would feel as if you would explode unless you found an outlet for what is going on inside you. Something like that can happen to your autistic partner and the result might be what we call a meltdown . A meltdown is not a tantrum. When a person is having a meltdown, they have no involvement in the social situation. They are not concerned for their own safety. They don’t care if others react to their behaviour during the meltdown or not.  Meltdowns appear to follow a cycle. They are not an act of manipulation; they are the only behaviour the person has to react to the situation at that particular moment. THE STAGES OF AN AUTISTIC MELTDOWN: 1)       The rumbling

The book Resilient Loving includes a link to a Communication Style quiz. Unfortunately, they change the link every now and then, so here is the link to the relevant file on my Google Drive:  https://drive.google.com/file/d/1eXtQDn6-Ou99-qX4TcA-lssYRhXx0Aum/view?usp=share_link

Sometimes we get stuck in situations because we don't recognise we are caught in the drama triangle, which was first described by Stephen B. Karpman.  Simply put, the drama triangle is a visual representation of three stances we may adopt in the face of conflict:  the perpetrator, persecutor or villain : who may be actively or passively angry, hostile, demanding or scornful and who uses blame as their main tool to influence others,  the victim : who adopts a needy, whinging or helpless stance, and  the rescuer, fixer or hero : who enjoys being helpful and needed but only seeks temporary relief of suffering so that they will be needed again. These three psychological roles are complementary, so when one person adopts one role, the people who relate to that person might take up the other roles and the drama begins. It is very compelling. The arrows in the diagram above (created for Resilient Loving e-book ) represent the fact that these roles are not static, after a while the victim