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Quick tip: if we get angry/upset...

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In spite of our best intentions, sometimes other people land on or push our buttons and our brain reacts. I am sure you have heard about the FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE responses (some add two more: FAWN, which is a placating mode through trying to please the other, and FIX). One simple and quick trick (if we remember) is to try to shrink the other person in our imagination. See that person as if they were getting further and further away, smaller and smaller. That will usually trick our brain into believing that the perceived threat is over, and our nervous system will relax enough for us to access better resources. (I posted the above trick on 07/10/2022. Here is an update) I believe that emotions are messengers and they will probably continue nudging us until we acknowledge the message. Sometimes the message may be physiological (our liver may not be working properly, we may have eaten too many carbs, we may be hungry, we may have overeaten, or we may be physically exhausted). Sometim...
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What other themes are helpful for partners of autistic people?

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In Resilient Loving - A practical compass for partners of people on the autism spectrum, we explore different themes such as our needs, values, self-limiting beliefs, strengths, and expectations. Many other themes are helpful wh en it comes to a relationship with somebody on the autism spectrum, for instance: LOVE: Reflections on what needs to happen for me to feel loved? (not just in romantic relationships. It can be with pets, friends, etc.) How do I express love? How do I block the flow of love? Do I ever withhold love? PAIN: How do I relate to pain? Do I relate to all pain in the same way (physical, psychological, relational, etc.)? FORGIVENESS: How easy is it for me to forgive (myself and others)? Do I need something to happen in order to forgive? LIFE: What is life for me? Does it feel supportive or antagonistic?  If you are a member of the private forum, it would be great to explore these questions and to post more there.  CYCLES:  Do I notice any cycles in my rela...
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The part from Resilient Loving that I find most helpful

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  What I find helpful (when I remember), is to imagine that the person who is seemingly blaming or criticising is like a pressure cooker, that has reached boiling point and has to let the steam out or else it will explode. I haven’t met anybody yet that would feel blamed or criticised by the steam that is coming out of the pressure cooker. It is a good thing that the valve is working properly and letting the steam out. If it wasn’t working properly, the results would be messy and dangerous. The steam is alerting us of the heat and pressure inside the cooker. It is an innocent messenger. In a similar manner, if we feel like saying (or if we blurt out) words that amount to blame or criticism, those words are letting us and others know that there is an unmet need or that we have betrayed ourselves and gone beyond our values or boundaries or simply that we have reached boiling point emotionally! If we are at the receiving end, our partners may be unable to identify ‘what is cooking’ in...
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